RE|formation
The process of RE|formation begins with the assumption that formation isn’t a choice—formation is a constant.
From the earliest moments on, all the experiences and choices and relationships in our lives “settle” into us, much like sedimentary rock is formed over time. We are built up and compacted layer by layer—all our biology and attachments and outside stimuli one on top of the other—forming the underlying assumptions, beliefs, values, expectations, and attitudes that shape how we experience and engage with ourselves, those around us, and the world in general.
But we know that even once rocks are formed, they don’t stay the same. There are forces that change them over time. That RE-form them. Rain. Wind. Waves. Heat. Ice. Current. Interaction with other elements.
And the same is true for US. Even after our critical stages of development end in our early to mid-20s, we are constantly experiencing this same re-formation throughout our entire lives—shaped by our relationships. Our roles. Our experiences. Our culture. And the way we experience our deepest emotions—fear, shame, grief, anger, and desire.
We cannot escape re-formation—no more than we can escape our “first formation.”
People change for two main reasons: either their minds have been opened, or they have been broken.
Such RE|formation begins, for some, with an inciting incident—something has rocked your world (no pun intended) that has you asking fundamental questions, not certain of how or where to find the answers. For others, it begins with the awareness that you’ve been asking yourself these questions for quite some time now—and you know that icky feeling of unrest bubbling beneath the surface isn’t going to go away until some excavation happens.
But rather than pragmatically “resolving” these issues—letting them simply wash over us, allowing them to carve through our lives like water on stone, determining the shape we’ll take once they’ve had their way—transformational coaching is designed—for those who truly desire it—to help people consciously RE|form their lives at the deepest levels, not just on the surface. To explore what is the greater issue beneath these questions to assure deep and lasting RE|formation from the inside-out, rather than the outside-in. To tunnel below mere behavioral modifications (what we DO) and carve out deep, lasting change at the character level (who we ARE).
Transformation without work and pain, without suffering, without a sense of loss is just an illusion of true change.
William P Young
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We do this
by taking advantage of challenging, formative experiencesthat naturally occur in life and engaging with them in an intentional way that allows YOU to determine how they ultimately transform you and your life. These difficult life experiences, if we allow them, begin our journey through the “Circle of RE|formation,” which begins with a experience—and when deliberately engaged with, ultimately result with a realignment of both your inner and outer lives.
That journey usually looks a little bit like this:
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1
RUPTURE:
An uncomfortable or painful event or loss has occurred that caused you to ask yourself the hard questions, thus becoming the catalyst for coaching. People often describe this as feeing “broken open.” -
—Rumi
The wound is the place where the light enters.
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REACTION:
Immediately following the event or loss, you began, as all humans to, to make meaning about the situation or circumstances. You’ve made this meaning—interpreting for yourself what has happened and why—based on many factors, primary of which is your first formation. You then react not so much to the situation itself, but to the meaning you’ve made of it. -
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– Anais Nin
We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.
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3
RESISTANCE:
As the pain and discomfort grows, unproductive coping skills and ways of viewing the world and others, created through your first formation, emerge naturally as a means to avoid your negative feelings. -
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– E M Forster
We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
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REALIZATION:
At some point, a bit of self- and/or God-awareness is attained that helps you begin to understand your internal, almost instinctual reactions to the event. Faced with this insight, a difficult choice must now be made—to intentionally delve deeper into the pain and the formational process to explore this, or to remain resistant. -
These pains are messengers. Listen to them.
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RISK:
Making the choice to press into the formational process then requires you to take the risk of honestly and thoroughly acknowledging the pain and discomfort and allowing yourself to fully feel it. -
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– James Baldwin
Not everything that is faced can be changed–but nothing can be changed until it is faced.
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RECKONING:
Once allowed to finally feel, you start to become aware of the deeper fears and beliefs at the root of your pain and discomfort—the “real issues,” so to speak. As your growth in self-and God-awareness continues, you are then confronted with the possibility that what you have been telling yourself and others about your pain or situation hasn’t always what was really true. -
– Susan David
Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.
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REVELATION:
Observing where your formation has brought you up to this point, then one must ask, in light of one’s reckoning, “WHO do I want to BE when this is over?” This revelation is the motivation for pushing forward. -
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– Maya Angelou
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
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RELINQUISH:
Faced with all that has been learned and experienced thus far in the process, you must decide, once and for all, whether or not you are willing to relinquish any illusion you ever had of control in this situation—and instead be willing to accept and surrender to what IS in your life, rather than continuing to resist it. -
– Lao Tzu
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
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The work of Inner RE|formation:
When the answer is YES, you must then commit to doing whatever is necessary to participate actively in the process of your own formation, focusing on identifiable areas of need. -
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– Barun Sryhania
The rocks won't move an inch and the waves won't stop trying. Persistence is the only common.
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REALIGNMENT:
And then, finally, as you continue to walk out a deliberate path of inner transformation, a deep, lasting outer shift takes place, realigning the rest of your life with the internal RE|formation that has taken place, yielding noticeable gains, both internal and external. -
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– John Mark Green
Beautiful are those whose brokenness gives birth to transformation and wisdom.
I’m not gonna lie, my friends.
The journey is a difficult one. And, like the stages of grief, it can take, sometimes, anywhere from 2-5 years to go from Rupture to Realignment.
But I can also promise you—